I had a bad night. Last night, and this morning for that matter, I was going over and over this feeling that I am so lost. I was hampered by my perception of my inferior memory and inability to focus. I gave myself a challenge in the wee hours: what can I remember of my brother? The list of specific memories was so short and everything on that list were the things that I think whenever I think of my brother. Beyond that, I couldn't focus enough to really navigate a deeper search. I would try to penetrate my memory for a new one and my mind would just wade off until I brought it back to the previous thought. All of this will probably seem very vague when I re-read, but I don't think I'll spell out details here, now.
Self-diagnosed, I believe I have a disability. I can't exactly pin it but it has been with me all of my life, to some extent, and appears to be getting worse now, which is the scary part. Still yet, this flaw cannot be my attention. There are some amazing things going on in my life right now that I want to preserve or build off of. To surrender them now because of an imbedded feeling that I am undeserving of these things seems to go counter to all I've learned about stability to this point.
What I will do instead. I will look to the positive. The negative is here and will probably continue to hound me. That's when it will be most difficult. Negative outcomes that occur because of my disability or disposition declare to me, "you were right, you have this issue." Can I find a way to say in response, "I know I was right, but I'm working on it?" I think it will take some courage, some will, and a lot of consistency. Like quitting smoking, one cigarette has contaminated your smokeless streak. The effect of that one cigarette on your physical body may not be so bad, if you've had one in a month. But the effect of partaking in that cigarette on your psyche cannot be questioned. I assume it to be the same for mental anguish and relief. One can commit to adhering to positivity, but swerving towards old habits will contaminate progress.
Somehow I have to take the long view. Undoubtedly I will mess up, like I may have a cigarette. But I need to straddle a perspective that change is work. Revelations may come, and miracle cures, but I can't depend on either of those. I have to depend on the improvement that comes from slow, deliberate, methodical, tedious effort and work.
I hope that what I have to share going forward is positive. And I hope, because I'm looking also to improve my writing, that there's a story... there are details, and a plot, and a conflict, and resolution, and future.
To Jessie, you'll probably never read this, but I'm fighting for you, baby. You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I honestly feel undeserving of you. I'm working on me so that you can feel like you've got a real find.
To my family, I've not been the brother, son, grandson, cousin, nephew and whatever else that I know I can be. We will always have shortcomings but my focus on negativity has caused me to not be able to place my time in a place where you needed it, when you needed it, from me. It's very easy for me to feel like I'm not doing enough. I'm going to try to assess things not from a place living up to imagined expectations, but rather a place of doing the best that I can.
To the world, I've let you down as well because I've been wallowing in self-pity. And I've exalted myself to a place of importance that I don't deserve. I'll do my best to stay here, on the ground, and see how I best can add value to you.
To God, I've had my issues with You and I pray that I be open to You as You really are. That will probably mean some things on the surface, upon introduction, that I do not like. And it will certainly mean change on my part. I ask for grace to be able to handle these times and to grow in You. At times I have felt a pure, indulgent Love, but when that Love became "tarnished" by a set of rules to be followed and an order that I didn't understand I removed myself from what I saw as a flawed equation. Things just didn't add up. I tread lightly on expecting everything to make sense, but I do ask for clarity, knowledge and wisdom.
Thanks all for the enrichment.
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