Answers?

I'm thinking on what I wrote yesterday. I need to add to it, if not change some of it, but I'm glad that writing me thoughts are taking me in a logical direction. I have yet to see if it is a circuitous one, which I predict it will be, but that round trip will hopefully take me one spiral closer to my core; who I am, my being. As an aside to this aside, I wonder if that is a good model for the journey of life: a series of spirals with ever decreasing radius, narrowing in on harmony with yourself and your place in the world. It's a nice thought, and doubtless, it does not come without retracing your steps, even if from above where you last walked.

But about answers. I wrote yesterday that it is the question that drives; the search for the answer must certainly be the navigator. A favorite proverb of mine, perhaps because I'm used to being frustrated, is "Hope deferred makes the heart sick". Too long a pursuit for an answer can make you weary of searching, but we must search. We have to search with great might. It is only with vigilance that we will gain the true prize: energy expenditure in pursuit of attaining a hope. Vague, and potentially disappointing, I sense, but it is the path nonetheless. I am reminded of another quote, this one encouraging: "Opportunity is missed by most people because it comes dressed in overalls and looks like work"  ~Thomas Edison. The question I have, how do I get the stamina to endeavor in great pursuits? And how do I choose pursuits that are great and right for me? I guess this is that circuitous, ascending (introscending?) journey.

I think there is one more pondering that needs to be entertained. Where do other people come into play in this journeying? Isn't it shared experience and "iron sharpening iron" that make the trip worth it? All we do can't be about introspection, no, it must be about extroversion (well, for me anyway).

One thing is clear: I am unclear. I don't know what I want. I have spent a lot of time searching for someone to tell me what I want, but nothing has ever seem to stick. Nothing entirely fits. I know why. Whatever it was, was something that worked for someone else. While I agree that we are all the same for the most part, it is that little bit of difference which requires us to personalize a life plan for ourselves. That is the work I haven't done. But it is hard work, and it requires trying on many different outfits. I think of shopping for clothes. Everything I buy is mass produced; there are probably hundreds of thousands of people wearing what I'm wearing right now. But sometimes I wish I wasn't wearing right now. I wish I new exactly what I wanted and could get that exact unique fit and style. I wish I could walk extroverted everyday and embrace the world, if only to be embraced back. I wish that I fit, that I had found my place. There is a grave truth about the wear and tear of living, and that is "we all walk with a limp." Should the lame keep from trying? Is the prize only for those with ultimate prowess? I dare hope not. In fact, I suspect that, somehow, in weakness you find strength. But how?