Mom, Don't Listen to Me

Just a thought; I could generate my own power while living in the woods. Who knows if I'll actually ever do this. But perhaps if I can modify the plans for this bike powered generator, and make the generator light enough, I can have mobile electricity production. The bike-power would have to be foldable, or something. I don't know. It's definitely worth investigation. Why is it that whatever crazy idea I have, someone else has already had it? Not only that, but they also implemented it to some degree.

But I digress; I shouldn't be complaining. These like-minded thinkers, not to say forward, have paved a way for me to try some things out. I hope I find opportunity. This project in particular seems very cool. If I could maintain a laptop self sufficiently, that would be amazing. The last cog in the connectivity puzzle would be to have internet connectivity wherever I go. This should not be difficult if I live near a city. I still need to think of some way to generate a minimum of finances to support minor expenses (internet, food, repair, gifts). A project like this shouldn't have me excited, but in the crazy world we live in, it appears I can nearly have it both ways. Via internet, I can remain connected to people, while at the same time owning a minimalistic existence. This existence may prove undesirable within a short time-frame. I still want to try.


http://www.los-gatos.ca.us/davidbu/pedgen.html

Don't Stop Until Success

Success is like a drug. When you have it you want more. But how is success evaluated? It is dependent on my perspective as well as the perspective of others. I can be partially satisfied if I set my sights on goals that are personally achievable, but to be wholly satisfied I have to achieve things that are valued by me as well as by my peers. There is an element of presentation alluded to. In order for my peers to evaluate what I am doing, they have to see it. I have to show it. Unfortunately, fear of criticism is the monster of seclusion. I produce, but don't want to be judged. Without the input of others my products feels empty. I have to find ways to show my "in-between" mediocre and expert works. I guess that this is best done amongst others with the same vision, in an environment that is not critical to the point of destruction. Rather, that criticism is productive and leads to growth. I love the thought, but it's a thought I share with myself, thus it's unsatisfying.

The internet has made it possible to find people of a similar mindset worldwide. Though, I suspect that I could web search for many in my general area with the vision of "iron sharpening iron". In any case, it's time I started seeking people who want to improve themselves, improve their work, and improve their world. I don't really want to do this at the mediocre level (though that may be all I am capable of); it's greatness I desire. Isn't there a price that comes with greatness? That cost has several names: Perseverance. Pursuance. Dedication. Persistence. All of these have the same message: Don't Stop!

That cost also assumes, to some degree, that you have a focus. Shit.

Answers?

I'm thinking on what I wrote yesterday. I need to add to it, if not change some of it, but I'm glad that writing me thoughts are taking me in a logical direction. I have yet to see if it is a circuitous one, which I predict it will be, but that round trip will hopefully take me one spiral closer to my core; who I am, my being. As an aside to this aside, I wonder if that is a good model for the journey of life: a series of spirals with ever decreasing radius, narrowing in on harmony with yourself and your place in the world. It's a nice thought, and doubtless, it does not come without retracing your steps, even if from above where you last walked.

But about answers. I wrote yesterday that it is the question that drives; the search for the answer must certainly be the navigator. A favorite proverb of mine, perhaps because I'm used to being frustrated, is "Hope deferred makes the heart sick". Too long a pursuit for an answer can make you weary of searching, but we must search. We have to search with great might. It is only with vigilance that we will gain the true prize: energy expenditure in pursuit of attaining a hope. Vague, and potentially disappointing, I sense, but it is the path nonetheless. I am reminded of another quote, this one encouraging: "Opportunity is missed by most people because it comes dressed in overalls and looks like work"  ~Thomas Edison. The question I have, how do I get the stamina to endeavor in great pursuits? And how do I choose pursuits that are great and right for me? I guess this is that circuitous, ascending (introscending?) journey.

I think there is one more pondering that needs to be entertained. Where do other people come into play in this journeying? Isn't it shared experience and "iron sharpening iron" that make the trip worth it? All we do can't be about introspection, no, it must be about extroversion (well, for me anyway).

One thing is clear: I am unclear. I don't know what I want. I have spent a lot of time searching for someone to tell me what I want, but nothing has ever seem to stick. Nothing entirely fits. I know why. Whatever it was, was something that worked for someone else. While I agree that we are all the same for the most part, it is that little bit of difference which requires us to personalize a life plan for ourselves. That is the work I haven't done. But it is hard work, and it requires trying on many different outfits. I think of shopping for clothes. Everything I buy is mass produced; there are probably hundreds of thousands of people wearing what I'm wearing right now. But sometimes I wish I wasn't wearing right now. I wish I new exactly what I wanted and could get that exact unique fit and style. I wish I could walk extroverted everyday and embrace the world, if only to be embraced back. I wish that I fit, that I had found my place. There is a grave truth about the wear and tear of living, and that is "we all walk with a limp." Should the lame keep from trying? Is the prize only for those with ultimate prowess? I dare hope not. In fact, I suspect that, somehow, in weakness you find strength. But how?

Thinking about the power of questioning

I wonder...
should I stay
Or should I go
Is it dead
or does it grow
Are there only questions,
will we ever know?

As I'm reading Chris Tovani's, "I Read It, But I Don't Get it", I'm wondering about questioning and the expansiveness it can lead to. This woman writes a book that in many ways is just an addition to the mounting literature available to teachers, which reiterates some of the same research-based educational structure stuff that makes so many--well, myself anyway--sick. But within it she discusses some very real truths about what readers, particularly good readers, do to make reading meaningful. How readers take information from text and use it to add on to their already growing knowledge base. I begin to protract this out to what questioning does for readers of life, and, conversely, what answers do to questions. A question can be like a dream. Something that is intangible, untouchable, unrealized. The realization of a dream, like an answer, is dream-quenching. But how do you become comfortable living in a dream world?

I guess the answers are /you must/ and /you don't. /A word, balance, comes to mind. I've somehow avoided that word, or rather the action associated with that word, as I've wandered along. It just doesn't seem sexy, or inspiring, or motivating, or impassioned. But it does seem like survival. I think we all want to live impassioned lives, but sustained impassioned life is preferred to a ravaging flame-like passioned living that dies soon after ignition. So, are we stuck with the concept of "balanced passion" as we mature? It seems like an oxymoron, yet there seems to be some verifiable truth lying in between those words. How did Mozart live a life of creativity? How does an Olympic swimmer get to the Olympics? How does Mark Twain write some of the greatest writing we've ever laid eyes upon? Surely it has something to do with their abilities to capture passion in practicality. Perhaps a better expression for this is "practical passion". But that sounds even more dull and pedagogical.

We need questions, we need answers. We don't know when we've satisfied either longing sufficiently. Can that be true? Or am I just establishing a wishy-washy, escape-from-answering-a question-about-questioning-and-answers paradigm? Well, I still believe the "We need questions, we need answers" part. I added the sentence after that to show that there is the line between polar opposites that we search for that is not there, but it must be walked. In other words, there is gray; there is blurry. We don't know, necessarily, when to stop questioning or answering. We just do it as it satisfies. And I guess that's just it. I use my satisfaction as a measure of how I'm doing in life. If I'm satisfied, I'm doing what I'm supposed to. If I'm dissatisfied, I'm doing something wrong. That seems very Hedonistic. But I've been around enough of mankind's exploits, and experienced a little of my own, to know that it is in giving that we truly get satisfaction. Fulfilling the "give to get" desire in ourselves is probably the highest level for humanity. It is the holy grail of human existence. But how does question and answer get us there?

I guess the point I'm trying to make is I've been searching for answers, but maybe it's time I start searching for questions. In Tovani's book, she says it's questions that give readers a purpose for reading. As the reader delves in with their questions aloft in their heads, they discover what the author thinks, why the author is writing, and the reader benefits by evaluating their own thinking. So maybe I should attempt being a reader of life. Questions amaze. They puzzle. They mystify. They demistify. They befuddle, they amuse. Questions are miracles. They give us purpose for living.

The Power to Focus

I've had to learn the hard way that in order to learn, you must have a focus. It's hard, indeed, to look upon yourself after a time and not notice any change. I guess that's why they call it the hard way, because it hurts. It's sort of like pushing against a wall; when you realize you are not moving, your hands are all cut and you're tired. Since I also tend to be hard on myself, I'm reminded of a quote: "foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds" ~ Emerson. Oh dear, I think to myself. I am consistently foolish. I tend repeat shut down episodes very often. I guess that in their recurrence, I prove to be foolishly consistent. But I don't want to be little minded (ooh, what an ugly term).

First off, I started this entry as if I had found the answer, as if I had learned. The truth in the matter is not that I have learned, but I have predicted. I have conjectured. I have done so because I don't feel satisfied with my efforts in life, and my endurance has always been a concern. So, I did a little brain networking analysis; I just thought about the problem and tried to find associated concepts and ideas. Here's what I came up with. To have a focus you need a motivation. These two go hand in hand, like the help of a father to a son. Also, I think you have to make "focus" less ambiguous. For example, losing weight or becoming a better person can be foci. But, better would be something more specific. Run every morning and don't eat fast food; write daily reflections of 200 - 500 words and respond to those frequently. Both of these foci probably have a better shot at being accomplished than their similar, but more broad foci.

Specificity is the key to success. Here's a problem: once you get really specific, it's almost like making a commitment. Since I am a commitment-phobe, this becomes problematic.

Side note: A motivation should be something you want, not something you should want.