Grief and Joy

Jessie lost her mom. Most days this isn't a reality that stares us in the face, because we're in Brooklyn and Jessie's family is in New Jersey. But she wants to take care of her father and that means that she has to go home to Jersey every few weeks (we've been saying every other week). When she comes back from New Jersey she's changed. Her mother's death is present with her. Barrenness, and death, and brokenness are with her. I keep asking myself if her family is grieving or if they can't allow themselves to live without Patricia Preston. I shouldn't ask such a question as it's probably just grief. 

How much we don't celebrate lift, though. We grieve when a precious life is gone, but how often do we allow for joy? These two are opposites. I think Jess knows that she can't allow herself to feel one without feeling the other; that would be unbalanced. It's easy to tilt the scales towards the negativity side of things when there's a death, though. So, I don't blame anyone for their misery. I consider that I may have my own misery sometime soon and that I need to tend to preventing some of my own grief, and to contributing to their joy. 

Have an inspired day all. Fill the lives of others and live your joy. 

Today

I think I've finally done what I wanted to on a Friday. That is, grab some junk food, slice of pizza and a Jamaican beef patty with cheese, some beers, and hop on the internet. Jerked off a bit and slipped off to sleep without my knowing it. I woke at 6:30 or so, headache and looking at a couple of empty beer bottles. I felt like a bachelor again, only this time much more responsible and alcohol-sensitive. I reflected as to how many beers I had drank throughout the night and arrived at the number five. A flush of embarrassment coursed through me and I decided to go back to sleep. Pop a few Aleve and down some water and allowed myself to ponder the idea of being good at getting yourself back to sleep. Is the trick thinking about something specific, or in thinking of nothing at all? All I could think about was work stuff, and about 10 or 15 other things. After a while I was able to sleep for another hour or two and felt pretty good when I woke up. 

I write all of this because I'm finding great difficulty in estimating where I'm at these days. Life is just seeming to happen. I don't feel that I'm on any particular course, except to say a normal one. That may not be so bad. There are many great things happening for me right now, not the least of which is that I may be surrendering the idea that I have to know the trajectory of my destiny. I'm going to live everyday like it's a gift given to me by God, himself. I don't know what exactly to do with regret but I'm going to say that it's a weight that we're not meant to hold onto. Instead I'll keep looking forward. 

Today I have to grade quizzes for the college class and tests for the high schoolers. I'll try to do some decorating in the classroom. Maybe I can plug some things in and give the recordings a go. Unlikely, because my voice is shot and my Les Paul is at Jessie's. Seemed like a good day for it, though. 

Don't know what to make of this post.