Do You Love You? How About Me?

When Raptevia asked this question in Fiddler on the Roof, he got an answer unexpected,  but an answer that would satisfy any man; al long winded "yes, I do". 

Bringing me to my own marriage. Last night was our 11th anniversary and it was the most lackluster experience, seemingly,  of all time. It was so riddled with what I call stops, it would be laughable if it wasn't heartbreaking. 

It caused me to wake this morning thinking "why"? 

Why when I talk about music does she withdraw her hand from mine. And I'm not talking about waxing long. I mean just a mention. And the hand is gone, back to herself. Is the trigger that potent? Why?

My daughter's up, so I'll need to come back to this monolog. But the gist is why is my wife so dissatisfied in our relationship? Or is she just dissatisfied in general? That's a critical thing to figure out. 

Grief and Joy

Jessie lost her mom. Most days this isn't a reality that stares us in the face, because we're in Brooklyn and Jessie's family is in New Jersey. But she wants to take care of her father and that means that she has to go home to Jersey every few weeks (we've been saying every other week). When she comes back from New Jersey she's changed. Her mother's death is present with her. Barrenness, and death, and brokenness are with her. I keep asking myself if her family is grieving or if they can't allow themselves to live without Patricia Preston. I shouldn't ask such a question as it's probably just grief. 

How much we don't celebrate lift, though. We grieve when a precious life is gone, but how often do we allow for joy? These two are opposites. I think Jess knows that she can't allow herself to feel one without feeling the other; that would be unbalanced. It's easy to tilt the scales towards the negativity side of things when there's a death, though. So, I don't blame anyone for their misery. I consider that I may have my own misery sometime soon and that I need to tend to preventing some of my own grief, and to contributing to their joy. 

Have an inspired day all. Fill the lives of others and live your joy. 

Today

I think I've finally done what I wanted to on a Friday. That is, grab some junk food, slice of pizza and a Jamaican beef patty with cheese, some beers, and hop on the internet. Jerked off a bit and slipped off to sleep without my knowing it. I woke at 6:30 or so, headache and looking at a couple of empty beer bottles. I felt like a bachelor again, only this time much more responsible and alcohol-sensitive. I reflected as to how many beers I had drank throughout the night and arrived at the number five. A flush of embarrassment coursed through me and I decided to go back to sleep. Pop a few Aleve and down some water and allowed myself to ponder the idea of being good at getting yourself back to sleep. Is the trick thinking about something specific, or in thinking of nothing at all? All I could think about was work stuff, and about 10 or 15 other things. After a while I was able to sleep for another hour or two and felt pretty good when I woke up. 

I write all of this because I'm finding great difficulty in estimating where I'm at these days. Life is just seeming to happen. I don't feel that I'm on any particular course, except to say a normal one. That may not be so bad. There are many great things happening for me right now, not the least of which is that I may be surrendering the idea that I have to know the trajectory of my destiny. I'm going to live everyday like it's a gift given to me by God, himself. I don't know what exactly to do with regret but I'm going to say that it's a weight that we're not meant to hold onto. Instead I'll keep looking forward. 

Today I have to grade quizzes for the college class and tests for the high schoolers. I'll try to do some decorating in the classroom. Maybe I can plug some things in and give the recordings a go. Unlikely, because my voice is shot and my Les Paul is at Jessie's. Seemed like a good day for it, though. 

Don't know what to make of this post. 

Change is Hard to Imagine, but You Just Gotta

Now that I've opened up Pandora's box I hope that I've seen all of the ugliest demons that may rear their heads. I admitted to myself that I have some deep seeded issues and that they need addressing. I called them out by name: Jealousy, Envy, Low Self-Esteem, Worthlessness, Inadequacy, Disability. Now, the truth is that focusing on these things is not going to help me. Calling them out was a necessary step, but these are problems that everyone faces and I very much doubt that the solutions arise from their deification.

I had a bad night. Last night, and this morning for that matter, I was going over and over this feeling that I am so lost. I was hampered by my perception of my inferior memory and inability to focus. I gave myself a challenge in the wee hours: what can I remember of my brother? The list of specific memories was so short and everything on that list were the things that I think whenever I think of my brother. Beyond that, I couldn't focus enough to really navigate a deeper search. I would try to penetrate my memory for a new one and my mind would just wade off until I brought it back to the previous thought. All of this will probably seem very vague when I re-read, but I don't think I'll spell out details here, now.

Self-diagnosed, I believe I have a disability. I can't exactly pin it but it has been with me all of my life, to some extent, and appears to be getting worse now, which is the scary part. Still yet, this flaw cannot be my attention. There are some amazing things going on in my life right now that I want to preserve or build off of. To surrender them now because of an imbedded feeling that I am undeserving of these things seems to go counter to all I've learned about stability to this point.

What I will do instead. I will look to the positive. The negative is here and will probably continue to hound me. That's when it will be most difficult. Negative outcomes that occur because of my disability or disposition declare to me, "you were right, you have this issue." Can I find a way to say in response, "I know I was right, but I'm working on it?" I think it will take some courage, some will, and a lot of consistency. Like quitting smoking, one cigarette has contaminated your smokeless streak. The effect of that one cigarette on your physical body may not be so bad, if you've had one in a month. But the effect of partaking in that cigarette on your psyche cannot be questioned. I assume it to be the same for mental anguish and relief. One can commit to adhering to positivity, but swerving towards old habits will contaminate progress.

Somehow I have to take the long view. Undoubtedly I will mess up, like I may have a cigarette. But I need to straddle a perspective that change is work. Revelations may come, and miracle cures, but I can't depend on either of those. I have to depend on the improvement that comes from slow, deliberate, methodical, tedious effort and work.

I hope that what I have to share going forward is positive. And I hope, because I'm looking also to improve my writing, that there's a story... there are details, and a plot, and a conflict, and resolution, and future.

To Jessie, you'll probably never read this, but I'm fighting for you, baby. You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I honestly feel undeserving of you. I'm working on me so that you can feel like you've got a real find.

To my family, I've not been the brother, son, grandson, cousin, nephew and whatever else that I know I can be. We will always have shortcomings but my focus on negativity has caused me to not be able to place my time in a place where you needed it, when you needed it, from me. It's very easy for me to feel like I'm not doing enough. I'm going to try to assess things not from a place living up to imagined expectations, but rather a place of doing the best that I can.

To the world, I've let you down as well because I've been wallowing in self-pity. And I've exalted myself to a place of importance that I don't deserve. I'll do my best to stay here, on the ground, and see how I best can add value to you.

To God, I've had my issues with You and I pray that I be open to You as You really are. That will probably mean some things on the surface, upon introduction, that I do not like. And it will certainly mean change on my part. I ask for grace to be able to handle these times and to grow in You. At times I have felt a pure, indulgent Love, but when that Love became "tarnished" by a set of rules to be followed and an order that I didn't understand I removed myself from what I saw as a flawed equation. Things just didn't add up. I tread lightly on expecting everything to make sense, but I do ask for clarity, knowledge and wisdom.

Thanks all for the enrichment.

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Finch9.html

http://www.outofstress.com/stop-obsessive-thoughts/

When we don't measure up...

Day 3, and a hard one. At least as far as confession goes. So here. I confess: I am jealous and envious of others. I don't know why it is, but I want to be the best at everything. I want to be the focus of attention, the attention grabber. I want to be the smartest in the room, the funniest, the most charming. Instead, I am not. I say all of this because it has been festering inside of me for quite some time and I need to post its ugly, ridiculous face so that I cannot see it and remember.

It's amazing the linkages we find as we sit and think and ask, what's wrong... and why. I don't think that I would have gotten to the bottom of the jealousy and envy problem if I had not stumbled upon a few brief words from a studied woman. To expound: the root of jealousy is fear and the root of envy is discontent. The root of jealousy is insecurity and the root of envy is neglecting to see your own value. There were a bunch of cute quotes that went along with these ideas that I'll go back and look at sometime later, but the bottom line for me now is that I need to see what I offer and I need to be okay with that.

But then I need to change what I see as valuable. Admittedly, I largely consider the large as most valuable. What society tends to deem as great I have also sought to mold myself to. The trouble is how many people, including myself, that this view devalues. I think of value, very much so, according to a Darwinian "survival of the fittest" model. Those that are the most capable should be the ones that have opportunity to enhance humanity. Obviously, there is a spiritual line of thinking that gets demolished by this line of thinking.

The reality is that we are all here for a purpose, and trying to fulfill someone else's purpose will leave you feeling empty and misplaced. We have to work towards not only being in the moment, but in place in the moment. Whoever said, know thyself was declaring war. He was declaring war on imposed, be they inner or outer, valued characteristics. The saying does not direct us to know ourselves up until the point that we feel good about how we fit within societal norms. Instead we are directed to know ourselves as we truly are; yes, in the context of society, but not for its exclusive pleasure and measuring up.

I'd like to help people get through their hard times, and their own poor estimations of themselves. But, I have to admit that I have some work to do, to walk towards the gates of victory before I can say to anyone, "this is the way, walk ye in it." And maybe what I will discover is that will not be my place at all. After all, it is God who says, "walk ye." But I have the desire.

Maybe the next topic ought to be, when desire and experience don't align. Do you ditch the desire? Do you ditch the experience? My guess is that you ditch neither, but rather come to a more healthful assessment of each.

Lord, help me to find love, to find love in You and in people. Thank you.

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/envy-jealousy-how-they-rob-us-of-security-and-contentment

Desiring Desire

This morning I woke up in my bed for the first time since Thursday, 8 days ago. I only say this to give some indication that I have been living a transient life, all while trying to stabilize and routinize. Yet, I'm not exactly sure that my more frequented comings and goings is entirely detrimental. I've been learning a lot and growing in love. I need to acknowledge these things. 

Yesterday's meditation was on self-sacrifice and the realization was that self-sacrifice is a fruit, not a seed. So, I picked up today with looking for seeds. A few websites I had looked at, particularly an atheist's, had led me to the idea of desire. The gentlemen writer had actually subscribed to an encompassing theory of human behavior called desirism. He seemed pretty into it; only a human could desire desirism.

My first Google search was "Increasing desire," which returned expected results of cultivating sexual desire in men and women, and building the desire to succeed. I switched to increasing value and such similar and got back stuff mostly on increasing home values and equity. Funny that the first things we think about with desire and value miss the mark. We first think superficially, and often act superficially, until that doesn't work and realize the need to dig a little deeper. 

While in pursuit, my search terms switched to using the term "pursuit." I guess the thought process was that if you desire something, you pursue it. So, I entered a rather clumsy search term, "increasing the value of pursuit." I got a much more satisfying list of link options with that, quite varied but did not really look for the unifying theme. My eyes instead focused on "the pursuit of happiness," a site dedicated to the work of Martin Seligman, a name I've been seeing a lot lately since I've become curious about Positive Psychology.

All of this introduction to reveal my discovery. To paraphrase Seligman's site, but only mildly, "life is only truly satisfying if discover value within ourselves and then nourish those strengths for service." What a juicy a nugget, and profound food for thought. Better yet, food for action. But thought first. The beauty of Seligman's work is that it unites ideals of individualism and collectivism. People don't have to neglect one to support the other. But as satisfying as this unity of ideals is, the profound potential for me is that I may be able to unify theories of humanism with God's ideals. The thought makes me shudder to some extent because the of past teachings that have exclaimed the utter difference of God's ways and the ways of man. But I know that there is harmony between the two. After all, it is a man's covenant (Galations 3:5). 

Tomorrow I search for finding your strengths, and thus value within yourself. But I wonder if all of the value has to be in strength; perhaps a good start to the journey. It is interesting that a search deep within can lead to connection far and wide beyond yourself. Such a design has to be divine. I make that statement without much qualification but for the purpose arousing curiosity at the order of things. How can journeying inside an atom give you profound insight into the shape of the universe, and how can a search inside a man give you profound insight into the shape of existence? 

http://www.pursuit-of-happiness.org/history-of-happiness/martin-seligman/

Starting with Self-sacrifice?

I started with the idea of devotion, but when that idea seemed, by Google search, to lead me to an exclusively Christian concept, I decided to reach a little further. The etymology of the word devotion led to concepts of self-sacrifice, loyalty, and vow and promise making. I started with self-sacrifice and after a bit of reading an athiest's viewpoints on the matter, realized that the real crux, or a better beginning point is aiming at what you value. What is that we desire? And how much do we desire it? Last question, and an all important one, how do you increase desire?

As I often do, I started from an endpoint that I'd like to see more of in my life and I neglected to see the healthful steps at arriving at the manifestation of something good in my life. 

God, please help me get there. I'm needing something deeper, something that makes more sense. And if I am searching for too much sense then I ask that You derail me from this track, but if I'm onto something that I need to be onto, something beneficial to more than just myself, then please give me the courage and strength to pursue. 

Thanks.

http://commonsenseatheism.com/?p=11429

http://www.authorama.com/nature-of-goodness-7.html

http://www9.georgetown.edu/faculty/lbh24/MJAASS.PDF

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sacrifice